1. I CAN’T FORGET THE NIGHT WE MET
YOU WERE SUCH A HUNK
YOU TOOK ME TO YOUR UNCLE'S CAMP
AND WE GOT REALLY DRUNK
I ASKED YOU FOR SOME FOREPLAY
YOU WENT AND GOT THE CARDS
YOU SAID LETS PLAY 15-2
THAT FOREPLAY SOUNDS TOO HARD
2. I DRAGGED YOU TO THE SAUNA
I TRIED TO PRIME YOUR PUMP
YOU PASSED OUT UPON THE BENCH
AND LAID THERE LIKE A STUMP
I BEAT YOU WITH SOME CEDAR BOUGHS
I TRIED TO GET YOU HOT
YOU GOT ALL EXCITED
AND WENT OFF LIKE A SHOT

CHORUS:
I'M MARRIED TO A COUCH DAT BURPS
AND TALKS TO THE TV
THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK ME OUT
WAS 1963
SHOULDA LISTENED TO MY MA
AND MARRIED SOME OLD FART
ONE WITH LOTS OF MONEY
AND TROUBLE WITH HIS HEART

3. I WENT TO DR. TOBIN
CAUSE I WAS GAINING WEIGHT
HE SAID I SHOULD HAVE CROSSED MY LEGS
CAUSE I WAS THREE MONTHS LATE
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THOSE MAKI BOYS
FROM DOWN IN ISHPEMING
THEY DIDN'T TAKE NO CHANCES
THEY USED THOSE RUBBER THINGS

4. YOU WENT DOWN TO GREEN BAY
WITH YOUR BUDDY BOB
ALL YOU DID WAS GUZZLE BEER
AND DIDN'T FIND A JOB
I COULDN'T WAIT TILL YOU GOT HOME
YOU HAD TO MARRY ME
NOW I'M MARRIED TO A COUCH DAT BURPS
AND TALKS TO THE TV

(REPEAT CHORUS)