VELMA
Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha, side step, front step, back, and turn.
TRACY
Oh my god, Penny, there's Link, Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!
PENNY
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!
VELMA
Front step, cha-cha-cha, back step cha-cha-cha, side step, front step, back, and, oh, Amber, look at this motley crew!
AMBER
Oh, mother not more ancient history!
VELMA
Oh, my God how times have changed, these girls must be blind, or completely deranged!
But, times seem to halt since I won Miss Baltimore Crabs.
Amber, that move is far too dirty!
AMBER
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930!
VELMA
You can laugh, but life’s a test!
Don't do this, don't do that!
Remember, Mother knows best!
And the crowns in the vault
When I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
AMBER
With you perfect ammunition.
VELMA
Let me show you how you Mommy dear
Took out the competition.
Girls, go down, boys lets rumba!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Those poor runner ups
Might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges!
AH! Boys, put me down!
Oh, good morning ladies, lets see what you got!
COUNCIL MEMBERS
Twist, twist, twist, twist, mashed potato, mambo
VELMA
On my show you'll never find a thrusting hip or bumping bind!
AMBER
What’s that, a dance for fleas and ticks?
VELMA
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!
I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting Aida
and preparing SOUFFLÉS!
With that triple somersault
As I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
DANCE BREAK!
VELMA
Proceed.
AMBER
Are you scared, we're on live?
TRACY
No, I'm sure I can cope.
AMBER
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
COUNCIL GIRLS
Cinemascope!
VELMA
I never drank one chocolate malt
No deserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs!
AMBER
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes!
VELMA
Kid, she'll never get a date
‘Til daddy buys her a nose
I would say
OI! guvilut
if I wasn’t miss Baltimore crabs
AMBER
Do you dance like you dress?
LINK
Amber, there’s no need to be cruel
VELMA
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
TRACY
I sure would! I’m all for integration! It's the new frontier!
VELMA
Not in Baltimore, it isn’t!
And may I be frank
1st impressions can be tough
And when I saw you I knew
If your size wasn’t enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so my dear
So short and stout
You'll never be in
So were kicking you out!
With your form and your fate
Oh, it isn't your fault!
Just down with a case of
ENSEMBLE
Miss Baltimore
VELMA
Crabs!
PENNY
I think they secretly liked you!
LIL INEZ
May I please audition?
VELMA
Of course not
But you can bow and exalt
For I am miss Baltimore crabs!
COUNCIL GIRLS
Crabs, crabs, crabs