I don't want another fruitcake
I don't need another ugly tie, no
Heard they had a sale on go-karts
Down at Walmart, ho ho, a good buy
Got no money in my pocket
Can't believe it's Christmastime

It's the crowds that bug me
Stuck in traffic like this
It's kids causing a commotion
It's shop-at-your-own-risk
It's that Tickle Me Elmo
It's dang unfindable
Christmas, Christmas, unshoppable
Christmas, Christmas

They can make a fellow uptight
I must have been to fifteen stores or more
All I wanted was a LiteBrite
But they sold out last night, of course
Tried to buy my kids a swing set
I'll be broke forever more

'Tis the season of giving
'Tis that time of year
'Twas the night before Christmas
'Twas a pain in the rear
It's that credit card payment
It's (uhh) unpayable
Christmas, Christmas, returnable
Christmas, Christmas

You'll see Santa hop the rooftops
Rudolph's nose will be glowing so bright
There's a whole lot of parents losing sleep
Nothing's silent about this night, oh
Christmas is pure promotion
Let us not forget why
We're all out shopping
We're all out buying

It's the off-key caroling
Grandma's mistletoe kiss
It's that one string of lightbulbs
You can't ever get lit
It's that gallon of eggnog
It's (ugh) undrinkable
Christmas, Christmas, decorateable
Christmas, Christmas

It's the things you buy me, baby
It's the things I buy you, darling
It's the crowds that bug me
Stuck in traffic like this
It's kids causing a commotion
It's shop-at-your-own-risk
It's that Faith Hill CD
They're all sold-outable
Christmas, Christmas, beautiful
Christmas, Christmas

It's the things you buy me, baby
It's the things I buy you, darling!