Gary:
Right now you are down and out
And feelin' really crappy.

Nikki:
I’ll say.

Gary:
And when I see how sad you are,
It sorta makes me happy.

Nikki:
Happy?

Gary:
Sorry Nikki.
Human nature-
Nothing I can do.
It’s Schadenfreude
Making me feel glad that I’m not you.

Nikki:
Now that’s not very nice Gary.

Gary:
I didn’t say it was nice,
But everybody does it.
‘Dya ever clap when a waitress falls
And drops a tray of glasses?

Nikki:
Yea.

Gary:
And ain’t it fun to watch figure skaters
Fallin’ on their asses?

Nikki:
Sure.

Gary:
Don’t you feel all warm and cozy
Watching people out in the rain?

Nikki:
You bet.

Gary:
That’s

Both:
Schadenfreude.

Gary:
People taking pleasure in your pain.

Nikki:
Oh. Schadenfreude, huh? What’s that? Some kind of Nazi word?

Gary:
Yup. It’s German for ‘happiness at the misfortune of others’.

Nikki:
‘Happiness at the misfortune of others’
That is German!
Watching a vegetarian
Being told she just ate chicken.

Gary:
Or watching a frat boy
Realize just what he put his dick in.

Nikki:
Being on an elevator when somebody
Shouts ‘Hold the door!’

Gary:
Oh yea!

Both:
No!
Schadenfreude…

Gary:
Fuck you lady!
That’s what stairs are for!

Nikki:
Ooh- How about:
Straight A student’s getting B’s…

Gary:
Exes getting STDs…

Nikki:
Waking doormen from their naps…

Gary:
Watching tourists reading maps…

Nikki:
Football players getting tackled…

Gary:
CEOs getting shackled…

Nikki:
Watching actors never reach…

Both:
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

Gary:
The world needs people like you and me
Who’ve been knocked around by fate
‘Cause when people see us
They don’t want to be us
And that makes them feel great

Nikki:
Sure.
We provide a vital service to society.

Both:
You and me!
Schadenfreude
Making the world a better place
Making the world a better place
Making the world a better place to be!

Gary:
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!